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Can You Hit A Perfect Pitch? Blogfest

15 Jan

Title: What Evie Saw

Genre: MG Historical

Word Count: 55,000

Pitch: A famous bootlegger, a rescued horse, and a schoolteacher who isn’t as mild mannered as everyone thinks. Evie Harrison is the only one who can sort it out — if she could just convince the grown-ups to believe her.

I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.

The wind was blowing, and I`d gotten chilled from the walk home from
school, so I’d taken my book into the parlor and curled up in the patch of
sunlight on the hardwood floor, up against the back of the big leather
chair that had been Father’s. The sun was so warm that by the time the
door opened, I was nearly asleep.

“Please, come in and have a seat.” Della was using her grown up voice, and
it made me start awake.

“Thank you.” The voice was deep and male and familiar, but my sleepy brain
couldn’t place it. Father’s chair moved behind me.

The door opened again. “I brought you young people some tea.” Mrs. Rich
announced in her formal, housekeeper voice. I heard the tray placed on the
table, and Mrs. Rich’s footsteps as she left.

Tea cups rattled as Della poured tea. She must be nervous; usually she was
more careful. “Cream or sugar, Mr. Jamison?”

 

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9 Comments

Posted by on January 15, 2012 in writing

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

9 responses to “Can You Hit A Perfect Pitch? Blogfest

  1. Anne Michaud

    January 15, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Oh Kendra, I loved your pitch, it’s cute and yet we can sense trouble ahead. Great first sentence, too – because again, trouble!

     
  2. Francesca Zappia

    January 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    This is awesome–I seriously have no desire to change it. Great job!

     
  3. mbm8377

    January 15, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I think it’s good, especially the opening sentence. I love the idea of a MG historical novel. I, personally often find history..well…boring, BUT put it into an interesting story that might mix fact and fiction and I’m in love 😀

     
  4. Liz Hellebuyck

    January 15, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    I’m confused. I’m not sure what Evie’s sorting out. I also don’t understand the first line. It’s a list of three things with no action right?

    What the heck am I missing?

     
  5. Amanda the Aspiring

    January 15, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    The pitch fell flat for me, seemed somewhat lacking. I didn’t get any sense of the plot, just lots of voice, which isn’t helpful for something that’s supposed to be describing the whole book’s idea in a nutshell. I might scrap it and redo with the book’s main goal in mind.

    As for the opening, it’s pretty intriguing, but could do with a bit of tightening. I might go over it, reading out loud to listen for any words that could be taken out or replaced with something stronger or more exact. Just a few things here or there, really. Good job with this, and good luck! 🙂

     
  6. Hope Roberson

    January 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    I like the pitch and am intrigued by what she’s going to sort out 🙂 You have beautifully descriptive writing, nicely done! Good luck 🙂

     
  7. Janet B Taylor

    January 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    I really liked your opening. Your descriptions are spot on. I totally get the pitch–I think it’s cute, but you might consider giving us a bit more detail on the plot.
    Good job!

     
  8. Kendra Gale

    January 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Thank you so much, everyone! I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and leave your thoughts, very helpful!

     
  9. Jenny

    January 17, 2012 at 10:29 am

    The pitch fell flat to me. I didn’t see any plot or tension which I think is necessary in a great pitch.

    I didn’t care for certain wording, such as “I’d gotten chilled by…”, “I’d taken my book…”

    The ‘had’ is passive. I think it would read better if you use more active verbs. example:

    Chilled from my walk home, I curled up with a book in a patch of sunlight on the parlor floor, my back pressed to the backside of father’s stuffed leather chair. Sleep almost captured me when the door opened.

    Or something like that.

    Instead of saying “was using”, just say ‘Della said, using her grown up voice.’

    No need to repeat that her voice started ‘you’ to wake because you already stated the voice woke ‘you’ in the paragraph before it.

    Otherwise, I like the intrigue. Good luck with the contest.

     

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